Last night was one of those nights where, as a parent, you concede that you have no idea what you are doing and that despite your best efforts to discipline and correct your kids seem to keep repeating the same rebellious acts. It was a moment where, I will be honest, I disciplined out of fear and anger. Those times are never good for either my kids, my wife, or me.
A bit of background on our oldest son. In his circle of friends and with his brothers, he tends to be, shall we say, “bossy.” He wants to dictate when, where, what, and the rules of play time. If friends or brothers do not want to play his way, he whines. In addition, often during the course of playtime, he will change the rules of the game or play time so he always has the advantage and will most likely win. Selfish, self-centered, and entitled are all words I often use with him. My wife and I are trying to help him see that life will be more joyous and fun when we look out for the best interest of other. That we were created by God to love and serve those around us. We often try to redirect and correct with, “How can we love and serve your friends and/or brothers right now?”
Here is some context for the story. Both Jill and I are miserably sick. I am trying to recall if there was ever a time in our marriage with kids that both of us were feeling this awful at the same time. Usually one of us is well enough to care of the other and the kids. Not this week. All Jill and I want to do is sleep. I should also mention at this point that our kids are sick as well. Our oldest and middle sons have pink eye in both eyes, and our youngest son just got over pink eye in both eyes. Ugh, this week SUCKS!
So, last night we make our oldest take a bath. He was sick, needed to be cleansed, and was starting to stink anyway. We figured the warm water would be good for his sinuses and his eyes. We put a movie on for the other two boys and both Jill and I tried to get some rest. When our oldest was done, he starts to scream for my wife to get him his towel. Mind you, his towel is probably 3 feet from the bathtub on a hook. We kindly tell him to get it himself, that it is right in front of him, and we are trying to rest because we do not feel good. Our son did not like this answer so he proceeded to yell and beckon my wife to come and get his towel for him. Then he starts to ask me if I will come and get it. When we both kindly tell him that he can get it himself, he starts to cry. My middle son then proceeds to go and get the towel off the hook and put it right next to the bathtub for him. I think all of us were getting tired of listening to my oldest whine, complain, and cry. Now, though, he wanted either my wife or I to come and hold it for him while he got out of the bath. Mind you, this went on for 40 minutes. He would not stop. We kept telling him that he is 8 years old and he can get his own towel and wrap his own body with said towel. Which is true. Well, as I said, after about 40 minutes of this constant barrage of whiny crying, I will admit that I was tired, sick, and angry. Not a good combination if you want to go discipline or correct your child. I hobbled into the bathroom, looked him in the eyes, and told him, “You are 8 years old. You can get your own towel and wrap yourself in the towel. Stop being so selfish and self-centered and look around you. You are not the only person in this family and both mom and I are sick. We do not feel good. Get your towel and you are going straight to bed.” Now reading this it might not sound that bad. However, I was angry so my tone of voice made things worse. He started crying louder and yelling at me that, “all he wanted was one second of my time to hold a towel for him and that it wasn’t that hard.” I told him I was going to take a shower and that he needed to get out and get ready for bed. Then I left. I went to take a shower.
A glimpse of my thought process and heart in this conflict with my son was, “He will not win. He needs to learn responsibility. He needs to stop being so selfish and self-centered. Can’t he see that both his mom and I are sick? Get your own dang towel kid!” To me, at the time, these were all very valid and justifiable reasons not to get the towel for my son. And, my boys do need to learn take responsibility. They do need to learn to look out for the best interest of others. They do need to learn how to love and serve those around them. But, I had a sense that this was not the best way to teach my son responsibility, love, or service. Yelling at him to stop being selfish and self-centered because I was feeling sick and could not do what he was asking, was ironically, me being selfish, self-centered and entitled. “Can’t you see that I am sick, son? You need to serve me. Not the other way around.”
As I was taking a shower, I cried out to the Lord for wisdom in how to parent and shepherd my boys in a way that brought them closer to Him. That the times of play, correction, fun, discipline, adventures, deep talks, trials, pain, sadness, joy, healing, would all glorify their Creator. All of a sudden, the Lord speaks to my heart and says, “How have you learned to love and serve others? You also are selfish, self-centered, and entitled sometimes. How do I love and correct you in those times? What did my Son model to you?” And in that moment I realized that the Lord does not yell, guilt, or shame me into love and service. He does not yell and guilt me out of a self-centered entitled heart.
You see entitlement says, “I deserve this or I have a right to this.” I deserve to have whatever it is I want in that moment because I have been good. I deserve to buy this item even though we cannot afford it because I worked hard for this money. I have a right to be free. I have a right to feel safe in my own home, city, or country. I deserve to be served when I do not feel well.
In reality, what we deserve is death. That is what we deserve for our selfish, self-centered, entitled hearts. It is the penalty of sin. Yet, Jesus paid that price on our behalf by dying for us. He draws our hearts out of selfishness, self-centeredness, and entitlement not by yelling, burdening us with guilt, or shaming us, but by His grace. It was grace that took Him to the cross to die in our place. (Romans 5:8) This is how Jesus modeled love and service. He died on our behalf. That spirit alone will woo my kids’ heart out of being selfish and entitled. Not yelling at them to get their act together and start taking responsibility for their mess. Jesus is the only one that can woo their hearts to love and serve those around them. By His grace, I hope to model this to my boys as He has modeled it to me. Even though I am sick and do not feel like serving anyone, by His grace I will be able to love and serve my boys. That is how they will learn to be responsible, loving, and serving young men.
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