Kommon Nonsense

What an amazing friend you have been. I have loved the opportunity to do life with you these last 5 years. You have been such an integral part of my story during my time here at GCU. I don't know what I would have done many days without your office dance parties, crazy jokes, and random lip syncing. Your constant enthusiasm for life has brightened my heart and the hearts of others in the office. You bring joy to the lives of those who have the privilege of being in your life.

I have loved having the opportunity to watch you grow into the freedom of knowing who you are in Jesus. You have grown so much in trusting Jesus with who He says you are and finding your identity in Him.

Words cannot adequately communicate the tremendous impact your life has had in the lives of my family. I am proud to call you my friend!

Jill, Huntington, and I will miss you greatly my friend!

P.S. YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN!!

Today I had the opportunity to protect a student’s heart. I am honored that students consider me someone to be trusted with their lives. This is why I do what I do. I love that I have the opportunity to do life with students in which there is a mutual trust and vulnerability.

My wife and I were just talking the other day about some friends of ours who just got married and their relationship. It seems like, by observing them from the outside in, that both of them operate out of a lot of insecurity. Jealousy and/or making the other feel guilty or stupid for doing something they didn’t agree with, often comes up in their conversation over the course of a day. Now usually it is not said harshly or rudely, but is often masked under the guise of “just joking.” I don’t write this in judgment of their relationship, but because it reminds of past relationships I was involved in. It is a vivid reminder of the insecurity I used to not just live in, but clothed myself in.

Our insecurity, whether it is with body image, speaking ability, looks, performance, is always a consequence of unresolved sin in our life. Insecurity is almost always a result of hurt that we have caused others or hurt that has been done to us. At some point in our life it was communicated to us that we weren’t good enough the way we were so we cower in fear to a place that is safe, a place where we feel like we are in control, and where we feel like we have the ability to determine what is beautiful and acceptable. The only problem is that in this place we still do not see truth clearly and as long as we are hiding true healing can never take place.

I look at how I used to operate in the midst of relationships, be it with friends, girls, or family, and I can look back and see how much I engaged in those relationships out of insecurity. My unresolved sin produced insecurity, which produced jealousy, which produced me trying to manipulate and control by shaming and guilting those that I loved.

God has used my relationship with my wife to bring about healing to a lot of my insecurity. Through the process of taking off the masks and trusting my wife with who I really am my wife has been gracious in her protection of that vulnerability. In my moments of complete vulnerability my wife did not use disclosed struggles, fears, or hindrances to guilt me or shame me into “being a better person.” My wife has shown me grace, has trusted Jesus with who I am and who He has created me to be, and has stood with me in my fears. God has used my relationship with my wife to communicate His love and protection of me. He is the perfect protector in my fears, struggles, and false expectations.

I guess the theme for the last couple months has been one of awareness. I think I have become more aware than ever of my faults, hurts, and unresolved sin issues in my life. I have even become more aware of how those affect the people that I love. Jesus continues to use relationships to bring about healing in the midst of great struggle.

How do we ever think that we can do this journey alone?!

Today it hit me that I only have 3 weeks until graduation and until the end of my time with my students. I will be here until the end of May, but most of the students will leave for the summer on or around May 3rd. I guess up until now I haven't really thought about the reality that for many of the students that I have had the opportunity to do life with at school, I will no longer do life with. My heart is flooded with emotions as I begin to think about that reality. While this year has probably been one of the most difficult years in Student Life professionally, emotionally, and spiritually, I can look back on this year and at least cherish the memories of doing life with great students and mostly everyone in my office. I guess the most difficult part of facing the reality of leaving Canyon is dealing with the fact that I am not in control of how things will turn out. I guess for the last 5 years I have felt a sense fo responsibility to protect the hearts of students and the office. I have tried to intentionally communicate to students and to those I work with the truth of who they are in Christ. I have tried to convey the truth that God is after their hearts, He desires for them to live in the freedom of His grace, and that they would seek the abundant life of freedom in who He has created them to be. That is a truth that is sometimes taught from the stage of the Gathering, but more often modeled in the journey of life.

Now I am coming to the very harsh reality that I will no longer have the opportunity to protect the hearts of those I love at Canyon. I now have to place my trust in Jesus that he will protect the hearts of those I am leaving. I know in my heart that it is Jesus who is ultimately responsible for the protection of hearts and of truth, but I do believe that He places people in our lives to model His love, protection, and truth. I hope that I have been a good representation of those things to students and staff of Canyon during my time here. I know I have not always done it perfectly. In fact, there are specific times that I can recall that because of my own insecurities, fears, and desire for some sense of control, I have hurt people, not spoken truth, and have been harsh. I hope that in those times my heart has been sensitive to seek forgiveness and restitution of those relationships.

The difficult part of leaving Canyon is that I have seen how insecurity, fear, and desire for control can manipulate, harm, and wound souls by shaming and guilting people. I have seen the affects that one man can have on the lives of many in a very real and harmful way. I have seen how the consequences of unresolved sin issues and undealt with life experiences can affect those you lead and are responsible for. I have seen students withdraw behind masks because they feel unworthy, unacceptable, and not good enough the way they are.

Jesus I leave the hearts of these students in your hands. Your truth is more powerful than the insecurity of one man. May you reveal to the hearts of students the truth of who they are in you!

So I have often wondered, as I am sure many others have as well, what purpose dreams serve. I have always wondered why we have dreams, where they come from, and why I can only sometimes remember what they were. We have amazing dreams and when we wake up we are elated and have a smile on our face. We have horrible dreams or nightmares and when we wake up we find the sheets drenched in cold sweat. Do we dream every night? There are those dreams that as soon as you wake up you try as hard as you can to remember it because it was just that good. Then there are those dreams that as soon as you wake up there is this sudden emotion of guilt or shame. Isn't weird how dreams evoke emotions. You can wake up in a great mood, happy, excited, or filled with guilt and shame. You can wake up angry at your wife for something she did or said in your dream yet that emotion carries over to reality once the alarm clock starts buzzing.

I think I may have figured out at least one of the reasons we dream. I think that sometimes we experience emotions that are tied to experiences in our dreams in order to warn, inform, or give us insight into what will be true in reality. In the past I can remember having a few dreams where I have woken up in a cold sweat and feeling so guilty for kissing a girl that was not my girlfriend or for doing something wrong that everyone found out. My head pops off my pillow and my first thought is, "Oh my gosh, I am so glad that was just a dream!" What if we dream dreams in order to experience events, emotions, rewards, or consequences that you normally wouldn't in reality? Just a thought. Maybe you can dream about it tonight and let me know what you think.

Can I just say that there is no greater joy for me right now than making my son smile. I don't care if I look like or sound like a complete idiot in the airport, in the mall, or any other public place when I talk "baby talk" to my son because the smile that consumes his face is worth every weird look from a stranger. He is such a happy baby! He is even beginning to talk. It is so fun translating his his coos, ahhs, and oohhs into adult language. I LOVE BEING A DAD!

I knew that I would learn some different lessons of life when I became a father. I mean I am a brand new father so everything was going to be a new experience for me. Well there have been plenty of new experiences like changing a diaper and warm yellow pee shooting straight into my face or green mushy poop getting all over my hand. There have been difficult experiences, as the joy of having a brand new son at home gives way to fear when he throws up all over the floor, not able to keep any food down, and feeling so frustrated because there is nothing I can do to make it stop. There have been selfish experiences like when I just want to chill, catch my breath, and watch a little football on a Sunday but it's feeding time or a diaper needs to be changed. There have been irreplaceable experiences like the times when I get to see Jill look into Huntington's eyes as she consoles him, the times when he looks up at me and gets the biggest smile on his face, the times when he will turn his head and look at me when he hears my voice, the times where I just get to hold my son in my arms. I love those times!

I think through all of these experiences I have begun to learn what it means to truly GIVE because my default response in a lot of those experiences is, "geez can't a guy just get a little alone time?" Though I am learning to look to Jill's needs and Huntington's needs before my own. I am beginning to understand that there is great joy in meeting the needs of others, specifically those of my family. I am beginning to understand that there is great joy in giving my time, energy, and attention to Jill and Huntington. I understand that I need to take care of myself too and get my alone time when I can, but that is where having a wonderful wife who wants to meet my needs comes in. Jill has been amazing at understanding who I am and meeting my need of having some alone time.

I feel so blessed this Thanksgiving that I get to do life and all of its new experiences with such an amazing wife and woman - THANK YOU JILL!