Kommon Nonsense

My parents came to Phoenix this weekend to visit Huntington mostly, but I am OK with that. I understand that everything changes when you have a kid. It really is no longer about me or about Jill, it is all about Huntington. I have loved watching my parents with Huntington. I love that they have the opportunity, as grandparents, to love on my son.

I feel bad sometimes because I know my parents would love to see Huntington more often, but because of location don’t get to. I understand that in their hearts they want their grandchildren to know who they are and love going to Grandma and Grandpa’s house, or in this case, Nana and Ada’s house. It is hard to communicate to my parents that he is only 6 months old and doesn’t really “recognize” anyone other than Jill and I. In my heart I want my children to love going to Nana and Ada’s house, to MawMaw and Grandpa’s house, and to Grandma’s house.

What an amazing friend you have been. I have loved the opportunity to do life with you these last 5 years. You have been such an integral part of my story during my time here at GCU. I don't know what I would have done many days without your office dance parties, crazy jokes, and random lip syncing. Your constant enthusiasm for life has brightened my heart and the hearts of others in the office. You bring joy to the lives of those who have the privilege of being in your life.

I have loved having the opportunity to watch you grow into the freedom of knowing who you are in Jesus. You have grown so much in trusting Jesus with who He says you are and finding your identity in Him.

Words cannot adequately communicate the tremendous impact your life has had in the lives of my family. I am proud to call you my friend!

Jill, Huntington, and I will miss you greatly my friend!

P.S. YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN!!

Today I had the opportunity to protect a student’s heart. I am honored that students consider me someone to be trusted with their lives. This is why I do what I do. I love that I have the opportunity to do life with students in which there is a mutual trust and vulnerability.

My wife and I were just talking the other day about some friends of ours who just got married and their relationship. It seems like, by observing them from the outside in, that both of them operate out of a lot of insecurity. Jealousy and/or making the other feel guilty or stupid for doing something they didn’t agree with, often comes up in their conversation over the course of a day. Now usually it is not said harshly or rudely, but is often masked under the guise of “just joking.” I don’t write this in judgment of their relationship, but because it reminds of past relationships I was involved in. It is a vivid reminder of the insecurity I used to not just live in, but clothed myself in.

Our insecurity, whether it is with body image, speaking ability, looks, performance, is always a consequence of unresolved sin in our life. Insecurity is almost always a result of hurt that we have caused others or hurt that has been done to us. At some point in our life it was communicated to us that we weren’t good enough the way we were so we cower in fear to a place that is safe, a place where we feel like we are in control, and where we feel like we have the ability to determine what is beautiful and acceptable. The only problem is that in this place we still do not see truth clearly and as long as we are hiding true healing can never take place.

I look at how I used to operate in the midst of relationships, be it with friends, girls, or family, and I can look back and see how much I engaged in those relationships out of insecurity. My unresolved sin produced insecurity, which produced jealousy, which produced me trying to manipulate and control by shaming and guilting those that I loved.

God has used my relationship with my wife to bring about healing to a lot of my insecurity. Through the process of taking off the masks and trusting my wife with who I really am my wife has been gracious in her protection of that vulnerability. In my moments of complete vulnerability my wife did not use disclosed struggles, fears, or hindrances to guilt me or shame me into “being a better person.” My wife has shown me grace, has trusted Jesus with who I am and who He has created me to be, and has stood with me in my fears. God has used my relationship with my wife to communicate His love and protection of me. He is the perfect protector in my fears, struggles, and false expectations.

I guess the theme for the last couple months has been one of awareness. I think I have become more aware than ever of my faults, hurts, and unresolved sin issues in my life. I have even become more aware of how those affect the people that I love. Jesus continues to use relationships to bring about healing in the midst of great struggle.

How do we ever think that we can do this journey alone?!

Today it hit me that I only have 3 weeks until graduation and until the end of my time with my students. I will be here until the end of May, but most of the students will leave for the summer on or around May 3rd. I guess up until now I haven't really thought about the reality that for many of the students that I have had the opportunity to do life with at school, I will no longer do life with. My heart is flooded with emotions as I begin to think about that reality. While this year has probably been one of the most difficult years in Student Life professionally, emotionally, and spiritually, I can look back on this year and at least cherish the memories of doing life with great students and mostly everyone in my office. I guess the most difficult part of facing the reality of leaving Canyon is dealing with the fact that I am not in control of how things will turn out. I guess for the last 5 years I have felt a sense fo responsibility to protect the hearts of students and the office. I have tried to intentionally communicate to students and to those I work with the truth of who they are in Christ. I have tried to convey the truth that God is after their hearts, He desires for them to live in the freedom of His grace, and that they would seek the abundant life of freedom in who He has created them to be. That is a truth that is sometimes taught from the stage of the Gathering, but more often modeled in the journey of life.

Now I am coming to the very harsh reality that I will no longer have the opportunity to protect the hearts of those I love at Canyon. I now have to place my trust in Jesus that he will protect the hearts of those I am leaving. I know in my heart that it is Jesus who is ultimately responsible for the protection of hearts and of truth, but I do believe that He places people in our lives to model His love, protection, and truth. I hope that I have been a good representation of those things to students and staff of Canyon during my time here. I know I have not always done it perfectly. In fact, there are specific times that I can recall that because of my own insecurities, fears, and desire for some sense of control, I have hurt people, not spoken truth, and have been harsh. I hope that in those times my heart has been sensitive to seek forgiveness and restitution of those relationships.

The difficult part of leaving Canyon is that I have seen how insecurity, fear, and desire for control can manipulate, harm, and wound souls by shaming and guilting people. I have seen the affects that one man can have on the lives of many in a very real and harmful way. I have seen how the consequences of unresolved sin issues and undealt with life experiences can affect those you lead and are responsible for. I have seen students withdraw behind masks because they feel unworthy, unacceptable, and not good enough the way they are.

Jesus I leave the hearts of these students in your hands. Your truth is more powerful than the insecurity of one man. May you reveal to the hearts of students the truth of who they are in you!